Just Fine
by padfoot's prose
Summary: 'He whispered sweetly in her ear, "You look beautiful," and she felt... fine.' Because with a perfect boyfriend, it's hard to feel anything but fine. Lily Evans finds herself missing James Potter's flaws. Songfic to Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You


**This is a songfic based off Taylor Swift's - The Way I Loved You. I have to give credit to Zayz for introducing me to this song via her own amazing story. I am very reluctant to give a solid opinion on this story, as I'm rather unsure how it'll be recieved. Although, I'd like to say that I quite like the end, so just read that if you can't bother with all the beginning :P!**

**The quote at the beginning is just a point of reference, it doesn't really relate to the story, but I felt inclined to keep it in, as it gives a bit of context. Anyway, enough from me, read - please - and, better still, review, cos, as I said, I don't know what to think of this, so i'd like to know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: Do I look like a multi-millionaire, totally, amazingly-fantastic writer? Well, you wouldn't know, would you, cos you've never seen me! But I'm not one, so don't go getting your hopes up. JK Rowling, however, is. And, if we've previously established that I'm not a multi-millionaire, totally, amazingly-fantastic writer, then I can't be JK Rowling, can I? It's simple logic, children.**

**_This is dedicated to Zayz, whose story Love Story, was my inspiration for this. I wish her all the best for absolutely everything going on in her life. And plus, it's kinda fun to dedicate to random person who I met over the internet! :P_**

"He kept messing up his hair."  
"I'd forgotten he used to do that."  
"Was he playing with the Snitch?"  
"Yeah… I thought he was a bit of an idiot."  
"Of course he was a bit of an idiot – we were all idiots!  
"…And he kept looking over at the girls by the lake, hoping they were watching him."  
"Oh, well, he always made a fool of himself when Lily was around. He couldn't stop himself showing off whenever he got near her."  
"How come she married him? She hated him!"  
"Nah, she didn't."  
"She started going out with him in seventh year."  
"Once James had deflated his head a bit."

**-- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**

**---**

Lily Evans had been dating James Potter for no less than four months now. Four months! Four months without one single argument or disagreement. Four months with an adoring, incredible boyfriend. Four months of pure bliss. Never before had she even thought to imagine that being James Potter's girlfriend would be like this.

_He is sensible and so incredible  
And all my single friends are jealous  
He says everything I need to hear and it's like  
I couldn't ask for anything better_

The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open suddenly, bringing a waft of cold air in from the corridor, a few people near it complained loudly but the round-faced girl who'd just entered ignored them stubbornly, and made a beeline for her friend.

"You will not believe what Frank just did," she announced, collapsing dramatically onto the couch beside Lily.

The redhead looked up from her book, a bored expression on her face. There was a certain point where hearing every detail about the doings of her best friend's long-time crush completely became thoroughly uninteresting. And, in Lily's opinion, that point had passed long ago.

"What," she asked tiredly, knowing that there'd be hell if she didn't at least pretend to care.

"He pushed me down the staircase!"

Lily pursed her lips, holding back a laugh at Alice's frustrated expression.

"Of course, he says it was an accident, and he was very good about apologising to me afterwards, but honestly… how could he do that?"

Trying desperately tried to rid the image of Alice falling head-over-heels down a staircase from her mind, Lily nodded consolingly.

Alice groaned. "I never thought I'd say it, but you are so lucky to have James Potter as a boyfriend. He's practically perfect! _He'd_ never push _you_ down a flight of stairs. And if he did, you'd never hear the end of his apologies."

In spite of herself, Lily smiled.

_He opens up my door and I get into his car  
And he says 'you look beautiful tonight'_

It was another perfectly normal day in the perfectly normal life of Lily Evans. Just another date with her perfectly normal boyfriend.

A car pulled up outside, it was James. He knocked three ties on the door. Petunia answered, and, her voice as sour as ever, she called her sister downstairs. Lily grinned as she bounded down, pecking James quickly on the cheek. She farewelled her parents and sister and let herself be led outside.

As usual, James had managed to find a very smart car for their date. As usual, he held her hand from the moment they stepped off the front porch to the moment they reached the car. He opened the door and motioned for Lily to enter. She brushed past him – just like usual – and he whispered sweetly in her ear, "You look beautiful tonight."

And she felt… fine.

_And I feel perfectly fine…_

Because, as practically perfect as her boyfriend was, that was all she could ever feel with him now: fine.

_But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain  
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name  
You're so in love that you act insane  
And that's the way I loved you  
_

_Breaking down and coming undone  
It's a roller coaster kinda rush  
And I never knew I could feel that much  
And that's the way I loved you_

Because, with a practically perfect boyfriend it was very hard to be anything but fine. So, as usual, the moment James had finished kissing her goodnight, Lily would rush upstairs to her room, and throw herself onto her bed in frustration. Begging – silently, tearfully begging – for something. Begging to just be anything but fine.

_He respects my space  
And never makes me wait  
And he calls exactly when he says he will  
_

Rain pounded on the high windows of Gryffindor Tower, barely audible over the noise of the Friday night common room. Multiple games of Exploding Snap were in session, making everyone jump in surprise whenever they went off. A couple were arguing loudly by the portrait-hole, and, above the din, the occasional "bloody part!" or "filthy cheater" could be heard.

But Lily Evans, currently finishing off her Potions essay, hardly noticed any of this. With one eye on her book and the other on her watch, she was waiting impatiently for the arrival of her boyfriend, who had promised to be back in the common room by eight. According to Lily's watch, he had three minutes left.

Fiercely dotting an 'i', Lily risked another glance towards the portrait-hole. The couple had finished fighting now, and had apparently settled their differences. They were now kissing passionately in a corner. And for a moment, just a moment, Lily imagined that it was her being kissed like that. Kissing a way that was so public and so single-minded. Like nothing else in the world existed but that kiss.

It had been a long, _long_ time since she'd been kissed like that.

Then again, it had been a long, _long_ time since James had needed to kiss her like that – to kiss her into forgiveness.

The portrait hole swung open, and with thirty seconds to spare, James Potter walked calmly into the common room. He makes his way towards Lily, leaning down and brushing his lips against her forehead gently.

"Told you I'd be here," he says with a smile.

Automatically, Lily smiles back.

_He's close to my mother  
Talks business with my father  
He's charming and endearing  
And I'm comfortable_

For more than a week, Lily Evans had feared the day when her parents would finally meet her boyfriend. As it turned out though, that fear had been totally unfounded.

James was just as charming and smooth with them as he was with her. Just as friendly and just as funny. Just as sensible. Just as… well, practically perfect.

He chatted amiably with her mother, and seriously with her father. Grudgingly, he agreed to be shown the set of placemats that Mrs. Evans had sewn, keeping a pleasant, interested expression on the entire time, slipping only once to wince theatrically at his girlfriend.

He talked about his father's job at the Ministry to Mr Evans, then sat quietly and listened to stories about crazy secretaries and crashed computer networks as if the entire concept of working in computer programming was both familiar and very intriguing to him.

He asked all the right questions at all the right times. He complimented all the right things, and made exactly the right number of embarrassing mistakes that it would seem natural.

By the end of the night, only one person felt disappointed in James Potter. And sarcasm rang in her tone as she gave him a swift kiss goodnight.

"You were fine."

_But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain  
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name  
You're so in love that you act insane  
And that's the way I loved you  
_

_Breaking down and coming undone  
It's a roller coaster kinda rush  
And I never knew I could feel that much  
And that's the way I loved you_

Because, just like always, it was fine. He was fine. Everything was just fine. And that thought made her entire being scream out in anger.

_He can't see the smile I'm faking  
And my heart's not breaking  
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all  
_

Lily had never imagined that anything could hurt this much. It was torture.

Here she was, having fallen in love with practically perfect James Potter, and now all she wanted was for the not-perfect one to be back. All she wanted was one, single, dumb little fight. Maybe a tiny mistake or a minute oversight. Maybe something big and huge and potentially relationship-changing. Anything. Anything but this awful, flawless, infinite stretch of _fine_.

But that wasn't the worst thing. The worst thing was that was still in love with him. Because, honestly, who _wouldn't_ be in love with this new James Potter? Who _wouldn't_ want a boyfriend who was sweet and charming and funny and punctual and polite and helpful and caring? No one, that's who. Not even a desperately hurting Lily Evans.

"Lily, is that you? What's wrong?" The dormitory door opened and Alice's soft brown eyes peeped in through the door.

Lily started, looking up at her friend's concerned expression, and quickly wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Nothing," she murmured, her eyes fixed on her lap.

Alice sighed and hurried over to Lilt, sitting down on the side of her best friend's bed. "Lily, I know when something is wrong with you, and you've been like this for ages. You cry every night, and you're always looking so… not exactly mad, just sort of… um…"

"Frustrated?" Lily suggested dully, still staring hard at her lap.

Alice tilted her head to the side, looking intently at her friend. "Yes, frustrated. That's exactly how you look."

Lily stayed silent, and more tears fell from her eyes.

"Please let me help you. Tell me what's wrong."

More silence.

Alice sighed, reaching out to stroke her friend's hair. "You know," she said quietly, "I don't mean to be nosy when I'm trying to help you. I just wish that there were something I could to make you happy again. A coupe of months ago you did nothing but smile and make out with your boyfriend. But now…"

Lily's gaze slid up to meet her friend's, her eyes wide. Had someone else finally seen the change in James? Had someone else finally noticed that all of his energy, all of his excitement, all of his fun – had gone?

"Now, what?"

"When you smile it's always so fake. You'll say something sarcastic or cynical, but it sounds like you're reciting lines from a book. And you never laugh anymore. Not properly. It's like you're… I don't know… empty."

Lily sighed. For being right, she loved Alice more than words could express. For telling these things to her, and not to James, she despised her.

Forcing a smile onto her face, Lily wiped the last few tears from her eyes. "I'm fine."

_And you were wild and crazy  
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated  
__Got away by some mistake and now…  
_

She remembered the first few weeks of their relationship like all this time hadn't passed since then. She could smell the sweet scent of pine as they'd wandered in the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. She could see the wonder on his face – stretching from his coral-coloured lips to his warm hazel eyes – every time he'd look at her, realising that she was his. She could hear the snow crunching under their feet, the hoot of an owl as it swooped towards the Owlery, the soft patter of rain on the leaves of the trees. She could feel his hand in hers, squeezing it every so often as if checking that it was real.

And the taste. The beautiful, wonderful taste of his lips, moving with hers in a new, exhilarating way. He tasted like mint and coconut and chocolate and honey, all combined in a perfect, tingling mixture that seemed to go far beyond any of her senses, and plant itself securely into her very heart.

She remembered how, just after that breath-takingly perfect kiss, with rain falling softly into their hair, he'd pulled away, his eyes sparkling with mischief. She remembered how he'd turned and run away a few metres, before swiftly scooping up handful of snow and pelting at her.

His laughter had run out across the empty grounds, followed soon by her curses and screams. She remembered huffing in anger at his infallible mood, his complete and utter happiness at the entire situation. She'd even begun stomping off towards the castle, with every intention of never speaking to James Potter ever again. But he'd chased her, grabbed her jacket or her bag or her arm, and turned her to face him. The pure adoration in his eyes had made her stay. That and the fact that she'd scooped up her own snowball and wasted no time in shoving it down the front of his pants.

It had been far too long since they'd had a date like that. And not just because of the lack of snow.

_I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain  
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name  
I'm so in love that I acted insane  
And that's the way I loved you  
__  
Breaking down and coming undone  
It's a roller coaster kinda rush  
And I never knew I could feel that much  
And that's the way I loved you  
_

Lily Evans didn't want to be _fine. _She hadn't started dating James Potter expecting or even hoping for _fine_. She'd wanted extremes. She'd wanted anger, passion, joy, shock, excitement, surprise, insanity – she had wanted the thrill of young love. And she still wanted it now.

She hadn't started dating James Potter for who he pretended to be. For who her parents or her friends wanted him to be. Or even for who _she_ wanted him to be. She had started dating James Potter for who he was.

For the screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain…  
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name  
I'm so in love that I acted insane  
And that's the way I loved you

Breaking down and coming undone  
It's a roller coaster kinda rush  
And I never knew I could feel that much  
And that's the way I loved you

_And that's the way I loved you  
I never knew I could feel that much  
And that's the way I loved you_

* * *

* * *


End file.
